It is Really Hard for Me…

It is really hard for me…to stay in the present. My mind often travels in lighting speeds back into the past and forward to the unknown future. The biggest commitment I’ve had to make (and keep) to myself, is to diligently remain in the moment. Each moment. Every moment.

Today, I sat in front of the fireplace and embraced the warmth from the flames. I was completely depleted of all energy after cooking and eating all day, plus I was getting cold because my body was no longer in motion. So, I sat with my legs curled to the side and listened to the crackle and watched the yellow and orange blaze for a few minutes, then I closed my eyes. I wanted to inscribe the experience into my subconscious in order to render myself completely vulnerable to the scene. I wanted to forge that perfect memory of serenity and sanctity in my heart.

I woke up early to cook our holiday meal, but I started the day by staring at all the pictures around my house. It was very important for me to remind myself of who and what I was thankful for, before I celebrated with everyone else.  I smiled and cried simultaneously, while looking at the picture of my dad and me on my desk. I remember my dad cooking on Thanksgiving when I was a child, and the anticipation to savor his mac n cheese was insanely overwhelming! LOL. My dad was an amazing cook but there was so much more to him. I have a lot of memories of him but when he was alive, I don’t think I ever closed my eyes to embrace him, I didn’t try to capture any moment with him until I walked in the hospital room just a few minutes after he passed away.  His eyes were still open and fixed upwards towards heaven. I stood in the threshold of the room door, staring at his body in disbelief that this was my final moment with him…

The day before he passed away, he called me and told me everything I ever wanted to hear him say. He apologized for his past, told me how proud of me he was, he said I was a great mother to his grandkids, and that I turned out to be a beautiful woman. Most importantly, he told me he loved me. That was more than 2,361 days ago, but I still remember every single detail about that call. After we both said some jokes and laughed together, we hung up. And the second I took the phone away from my ear, I knew in my spirit that was that last call I would ever receive from him.

It may be a form of trauma response, but I have fought most of my life to enjoy precious moments as they occur. I often think about how it can go wrong or how in the past, the situation or person has failed me. I have to aggressively fight regret and my own disappointment from not appreciating all those times when I was genuinely filled with joy and peace. I have to forgive myself for fearfully (and selfishly) not allowing people to love me, or even allow myself to love as hard, deep, and unconditionally as I truly desire to. I’m always trying to anticipate the future, based off the past thus, I often neglect the present. But Ya’ll, I have learned this to be true… we might not get another chance to say, see, hear, touch, taste or feel all that we do today. So, from my heart, I implore you (and myself) to live your life on all gas no brakes, moving forward! I give thanks to God for you, and all the blessings coming into your life, because this is your time to live and embrace the moment. Let’s learn to let go of everything holding us back from loving our now season!